Wish I could take back everything I did. I cant believe the way I treated her. And fact is, I am a nice guy and not a bad person...ask anybody. Yet for all the time she was with me and loved me to no end, she was the one I treated the worst. How was I so thick skinned as to not realise what was happening.I think I treated/appreciated colleagues and friends more than the appreciation I showed her. I deserve all this and more..There were so many signs, she even told me and I grossly misjudged the severity of the hurt I was causing...

How do we become so blind, oblivious and take someone so close for granted..I have to stop my extreme focus on my misery..it has given me tunnel vision..not allowing me to see any of the things I am doing to my loved ones...Guess my being bad at staying in touch with friends and family can also be explained by this..Note to self: stop ruminating on SELF

Once there was a girl with a big heart
So pure and innocent, where love abounded
Convictions so true, her manner was art
Given to temper, speedy to turn around

And it happened that this lass fell in love
He was not a hero, merely playing his role
Poured unto him, everything in her inner trove
They fluttered, they soared, two mynahs on a hyperbole

A vice unto him his confusion, about all
Time went awaiting, like a prisoner for the gallows
To beg for cognisance, a mynah slighted by his gall
Procrastinating seasons went by, her heart had become hollow

On the appointed day, the deed was done
A bond broken, life's promises at the tip of a gun
She limped away, his ignorance did stun
Closed her mind's eye, an end with no reconciliation

In dark moors did he wander, searching for his gem
He had it all along, her soul in his dreamcatcher
The tunnel grew dark, an angel did he condemn
Forth with the stake, his heart belonged to her

So began our actor's quest, unto her dark veil
For he was a hero now, and without her no return

I am trying to pull out of my desperation. Look at more positive things. Focus on other things like the job hunt and reading. Still miss her a lot. Feel like there's a hole in me. Its especially hard to know that she is moving on.

Finale

Its over. She said she is not coming back...:-(

The break up

Well I am not regular blogger..so what ..no one reads it anyway..my girlfriend reads it ocassionally, maybe she will read this...well she is my ex-girlfriend now...she broke up with me...Now after everything has happened, I realise my folly and I drove her away by my actions. Now I am begging her to come back, but she will have none of it..I feel like I have lost everything and she was the last good thing in my life. Too bad I did not recognize this earlier, it could have been so different..We had an epic relationship spaning over two and a half years and by my count seven to eight breakups. Most of them were instigated by me, over some stupid reason or the other that I would dream up, and I would tell her and break her heart with it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stay away and I always came back under some pretext or the other. Now she is gone...and I realise she was everything to me. The chances of my winning her back are very slim...she just sees me as this needy and desperate person, she sees me as a friend who is going through a tough break up. She feels she has to be there as a friend to help me through this difficult time. If only i would have done things differently...I have managed to break my own heart

I try telling her that all the times I broke up with her, I came back. So she owes me one chance at least so that I can make one last try. But alas, she is much more resolute than me and her mind is practically made up. I wish there was some way for me to fight, but there doesnt seem to be. My world has diminished to pointless reminiscing and wishing things were different. I dont know where to go from here. I dont think I am strong to claw myself out of this hole. Hurting and punishing myself seems to have become a passtime of mine..in every which way.