Pin Up

Pin up girl from one of the high street fashion mags. Black Ink on paper.

So the job search over a long time has finally come to fruition. It would not have been possible without the help of my ex (or ex-in-doubt, or ex-mulling-over-it or current-pending-decision - Hope its the latter). Now it is left to me to manage a clean break from my current masters to the new ones. But I am looking forward to the new experience and the new learning it will bring. I have decided to not be hung up on where I am vis-a-vis others, but rather to enjoy the job and everything else life brings as it comes. My ex is a great example of that principle.

Only thing is I am still hung up on her, that doesnt seem to change. She speaks to me now and is generally in a better mood than she used to be with me. Obvously I am worried that whatever I do, I cannot compare with the excitement and sparks of a new relationship.

I have asked myself the question, this is your first relationship anyway, so what if it did not work out, why not move on find something new. This will count as experience for the next time. I tried but this line of thought is not easy..for one I cant think of anyone else in place of her (she's kind of perfect in her own ways). Secondly, for the first time in life I know what I want to do with life. I want to settle down, to have kids, to travel places ..(not get a big job, earn lots of money, have a big house)...I want all those things, and then it always feels like a subtext...that I want to do these with her...Sigh.

But if comes down to a clean break from her as well, then I guess there is no alternative but to move on. We have to make our peace with that.

Women...living with them is hard work, but then being without them is even harder. There are so many little wheels, cogs and subconcsious undercurrents that you can never be sure that you understand them. They will say they want something, but really that is not enough. You have to be able to exceed her expectations, to be creative and to show that you really care. You try to probe what they are feeling and you just feel overwhelmed and lost in the complexity of their thoughts. Kudos to guys who are 'plugged' in to what their significant other really feels.

But all the glitches, misfires and subsequent heartbreaks later...the good moments are so worth it..Thats why we keep coming back.

Wish I could take back everything I did. I cant believe the way I treated her. And fact is, I am a nice guy and not a bad person...ask anybody. Yet for all the time she was with me and loved me to no end, she was the one I treated the worst. How was I so thick skinned as to not realise what was happening.I think I treated/appreciated colleagues and friends more than the appreciation I showed her. I deserve all this and more..There were so many signs, she even told me and I grossly misjudged the severity of the hurt I was causing...

How do we become so blind, oblivious and take someone so close for granted..I have to stop my extreme focus on my misery..it has given me tunnel vision..not allowing me to see any of the things I am doing to my loved ones...Guess my being bad at staying in touch with friends and family can also be explained by this..Note to self: stop ruminating on SELF

Once there was a girl with a big heart
So pure and innocent, where love abounded
Convictions so true, her manner was art
Given to temper, speedy to turn around

And it happened that this lass fell in love
He was not a hero, merely playing his role
Poured unto him, everything in her inner trove
They fluttered, they soared, two mynahs on a hyperbole

A vice unto him his confusion, about all
Time went awaiting, like a prisoner for the gallows
To beg for cognisance, a mynah slighted by his gall
Procrastinating seasons went by, her heart had become hollow

On the appointed day, the deed was done
A bond broken, life's promises at the tip of a gun
She limped away, his ignorance did stun
Closed her mind's eye, an end with no reconciliation

In dark moors did he wander, searching for his gem
He had it all along, her soul in his dreamcatcher
The tunnel grew dark, an angel did he condemn
Forth with the stake, his heart belonged to her

So began our actor's quest, unto her dark veil
For he was a hero now, and without her no return

I am trying to pull out of my desperation. Look at more positive things. Focus on other things like the job hunt and reading. Still miss her a lot. Feel like there's a hole in me. Its especially hard to know that she is moving on.

Finale

Its over. She said she is not coming back...:-(